NGE: Drops of Understanding
by Gemini011
Summary: A series of drabbles written for the purpose of character exploration, primarily following characterization and situations from the anime.
1. Kaworu - Duty

**A/N**: A series (eventually) of drabbles, primarily for practicing and exploring various characters. Oddly enough, we'll start with Kaworu; I blame a combination of Laryna6's excellent "The Cat Who Walks Through Walls" and the necessity of figuring out his character for my own work. Enough preamble; let's begin.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Evangelion. Seriously, it's the truth.

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**Duty**

I am of Adam. I exist for the purpose of executing my duty.

But I am also Tabris, Angel of Free Will.

The irony is not lost on me, that these two natures are reflected in my physical self: the body of the Lilim - freedom, choice, ephemerality - with the soul of an angel - duty, purpose, eternity.

It is my destiny to follow the whims of the Lilim where they coincide with my duty, until my mission is finished and I can join with Adam. And yet...

Perhaps it is my nature that pulls me in these opposing directions. Ikari Shinji... I am drawn to him. I wish for him to be happy. To have relief from the pain I see in him, the pain of the Lilim with their closed hearts. He knows that to open himself to another is to offer the chance to bring him pain. I wish to show him that it can also bring joy.

Still, I know my betrayal will hurt him. The more he opens himself to me, the greater his pain will be. I would spare him if I could; and yet...

His pain will not remain for long if I am successful, and perhaps... after all, he has great strength within him. A fragile heart, but a strong will. Perhaps he might be able to stop me.

To free me.

I am sorry, Shinji-kun, for what I must do. I pray it will not force you to close your heart again.

If only I could avoid this fate, if only I had the time to help you to heal your fractured soul... but it serves no purpose to dwell on these things. Soon one of us will have no time left.

You must be strong, my beloved friend. If one of us is to live on, let it be you. With time, even your wounds may yet heal. Though your heart may break, if you have the will you can forge it anew, stronger and better than before.

I beg you not to falter when the time comes.

I have my duty. And you have yours.

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_Please leave a review and let me know what you think! With luck (and inspiration), more of these quick character explorations will be forthcoming._


	2. Rei - Pain

**A/N:** Next is Rei, set shortly after Operation Yashima.

**Disclaimer:**I do not own Evangelion or any officially affiliated intellectual property. This is for fun, not for profit.

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**Pain**

What is pain?

It is a proof of life. So long as this body and my mind continue to function, I am aware of the continuation of my existence. When I am injured, pain is the evidence that I have not ceased to exist; that my purpose has not ended.

It defines the boundary between myself and others. My pain is not theirs; their pain is not mine; and so we are distinct.

It is Eva. Those who surround Eva carry pain with them. The Commander. Dr. Akagi. Captain Katsuragi. Pilot Ikari. All feel pain because of what Eva is, where Eva has come from.

I dislike pain. But because I am so ordered, I wll endure it. Because Eva bonds me to others, though it is painful I will endure it.

When I piloted Eva to protect Pilot Ikari, I accepted the pain of the Fifth Angel's attack as necessary. It was required of me to ensure his safety, so that he would be able to carry out his role and succeed in the mission. Unlike him, I would be easily replaceable if the strain were too great; he need not be subjected to any pain.

When the mission was complete, Pilot Ikari opened Unit 00's entry plug manually in order to retrieve me; I am aware, from the injuries the Commander sustained doing the same after my failed activation test, that he must have been burned. Though he had not been ordered to, though it was as unnecessary as the Commander's similar act, Pilot Ikari experienced that pain to ensure my safety.

I dislike pain. But it is a bond with them.

So I will endure it.

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_And that's two. Please leave a review and let me know what you think, good or bad._


	3. Shinji - Bravery (or Cowardice)

**Disclaimer:** Me no own Eva. Eva own me.

**A/N:** This time it's Shinji, a few days before Leliel.

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**Bravery (or Cowardice)**

Bravery is a funny thing. The kids at school thought I was brave when they found out I was a Pilot. (Well, except Touji.)

But the truth is, I'm always running away. I'm not brave at all.

Misato-san is brave. She climbed into the Jet Alone without a second thought, even though it could have exploded and killed everyone. (All I could do was hold it still.)

Ayanami is brave. She protected me from the Fifth Angel's beam, even after her shield melted away completely. (All I could do was wait and fire and hope she was okay.)

Asuka is brave. She went into the volcano to capture the Eighth, and nearly sacrificed herself by using her own lifeline to make sure the Angel was destroyed. (I was so afraid of losing her.)

When people tell me I'm brave, or that I've done something courageous, it feels wrong. Everything I do is out of fear.

Fear of my Father. (I mustn't run away.)

Fear of hurting others. (I mustn't run away.)

Fear of pain. (I mustn't run away.)

Fear of myself.

Even when I stand my ground, I'm running away from something.

Whether I stay and fight or try to escape, it's not because I'm brave.

It's because I'm afraid.

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_As always, please leave a review and tell me what you liked or didn't like._


	4. Misato - Loss

**Disclaimer:** Evangelion is the intellectual property of its owners, none of whom is me. I'm just playing with their toys.

**A/N:** A hearty thanks to BrokenChosenofEva for all the feedback, it means a lot! We're going to take a (hopefully) brief break from the pilots this time, for a look at Misato.

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**Loss**

The worst thing about losing something important - really important - is that it never really stops hurting. Oh, it might become easier to compartmentalize the experience; easier to file it away where that cold emptiness doesn't eat at everything you do every hour of the day. But in the end, it's still there.

We find ways to cope. For me, at first it was closing myself off from the world. I didn't know what I could do to deal with what had happened... with losing my father like that. I hated him, but at the same time I couldn't help loving him... and I would never have the chance to reconcile those feelings. To confront him with what they meant.

When I couldn't stand that anymore, when just sitting there silent and _gone_ would no longer protect me, I stopped. I had distance now, the loss seemed further away, and so I could go back to doing things. Living. And for a while, that was what protected me.

I went to school. I met Ritsuko. I met Kaji. I learned about the beautiful elixir of forgetfulness and freedom that others so simply call "beer." Between all of those things, I covered over that loss with a scab of friendship, pleasure, and new experience.

And then I lost Kaji.

It was my fault as much as his... maybe even more. I got scared when I realized just how much he resembled my father. It opened up that old wound, and I resented that where before Kaji had been a balm, suddenly he was a reminder of all the bad things about my father. That confusing combination of hatred and love, and the pain of that decade-old loss, came to the surface every time I looked at him. So I ran.

I joined Nerv. I traveled all over, fighting, training, babysitting (for a little while, anyway), whatever was required of me. I lost myself in my work when I could, and when there was no work to do I drank. Partied. Did what it took to distract myself.

Eventually I found myself here. Fighting the good fight, for all of mankind. Watching over these strong, fragile kids who know too much about loss already. Sending them into battle because I can't go myself.

I'll do what it takes to defeat the angels; not just for this world, for the future of humanity, but for me. To take revenge for giving me this wound that never quite heals over. And if I'm lucky...

If I'm really lucky, I won't have to lose them to do it.

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_As always, please leave a review to let me know what you think, good or bad._


	5. Asuka - Growing Up

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Evangelion. Don't pretend that's a surprise.

**A/N:** So the break from the pilots is shorter than expected! Thanks to an unexpected flash of inspiration, we'll now turn to Asuka, shortly before she makes her first appearance in the series.

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**Growing Up**

Mein Gott, it's such a pain being stuck in this half-way place between child and adult. I'm smarter, prettier, _better_ than the vast majority of adults, let alone my so-called _peers_. But just because I'm a few years younger they all look down on me.

Asuka, you're too young for that. That's for grown-ups. I'll tell you when you're older. You'll understand when you're _older_.

Bullshit.

As if more time spent on this planet actually translates into greater maturity.

When I was younger, I couldn't wait to have my first period, the proof that I was finally an adult. I naively figured a little blood and a few cramps each month would be a small price to pay in exchange for no longer being treated like a little kid.

Well, younger me, the joke's on you.

Tampons are an annoying necessity, but not so bad once you're used to them. The cramps, on the other hand, are complete bullshit. And the way the hormones mess with my emotions... ugh.

I hate being female sometimes.

The pain and irritation might almost be worth it if the other side of the equation had come through, but guess what? All these stupid so-called "grown-ups" still won't recognize me as an adult.

To them I'm still just a little girl.

I am not a little girl anymore, damn it! I have to put up with these stupid hormones, not to mention bearing the future of humanity on my shoulders, so treat me like a fucking adult already! Is that so much to ask?

Being a kid and growing up... it's hard and nobody understands. Least of all the people who've already been through it. How idiotic is that?

Well screw them anyway. I don't need anybody but _me_.

Tomorrow we're shipping out for Japan. I'll have plenty of time during the trip to show Kaji just how grown up I am. And when we get there I'll show the other two Children what it _really_ means to Pilot Eva.

I'll show them all.

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_Thanks for reading! Inspiration credit for this one actually goes to Homestuck, of all things. Bonus points if you spot the direct reference! As always, please leave a review letting me know what you thought was good or bad._

_Cheers!_


	6. Touji - Forgiveness

**A/N:** Finally! Another chapter of this. I wrote this one in a notebook about a month ago before moving, and the damn thing finally surfaced, so here you go!

**Disclaimer:** I am not the copyright holder you're looking for. I'll just go about my business. Move along.

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**Forgiveness**

I may not be the smartest guy, but I ain't stupid. I knew what I was gettin' into when that doctor chick—Akagi?—from Nerv offered me the chance to be a Pilot. Hell, I'll never forget the look on Shin-man's face when that angel with the glowin' whips laid into him with me and Ken in the plug.

So I knew I was signing up for pain.

Don't get me wrong, it sucks havin' to literally pay an arm and a leg to get Sakura the treatment she needs, but it's worth it though, you know? Even now. So I might not walk again or be able to play B-ball. So what? Sakura will.

Besides, prosthetics ain't the handicap they used to be, so who knows?

I heard what happened, with the angel takin' over Unit 03 and Unit 01 bustin' it up with me inside. If I know Shinji, he's beatin' himself up about it like crazy.

Maybe if I belted him one he'd feel better? He'd have to visit my damn hospital room first though. So far it's been pretty much only Hikari visiting me here… which don't get me wrong, it's great. Her bentos sure as hell beat the slop this place calls "food." They must spend every spare freakin' yen on fixing Evas, 'cause they sure ain't winnin' any awards for cuisine.

On the one hand, I get why he ain't stopped by. He prob'ly feels like crap; prob'ly figures he put me and Sakura both in here and thinks I hate him again, like I did back when he first showed up.

Back before I got to know who he was and what he had to deal with.

But he could at least stop by and apologize if he feels that bad—not that I'd accept it of course, it wasn't his fault. Hell, even the Devil stops in for a minute now and then, even if it's just to check on Hikari.

Honestly, right now—at this exact moment—the worst thing about bein' stuck in this hospital bed with half my limbs missing is that I can't get up and go find him. Tell him to suck it up and be a man.

Tell him I forgive him.

It's okay though. He's my friend and I got faith he'll come through eventually. And I got time to wait. All the time in the world, now.

I ain't goin' nowhere.

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_As always, let me know what you did or didn't like. Thanks for reading!_


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